So, aimless007. It's an old handle...10 years old. But its all I could think of; isn't that sad? I guess its really the last time I knew myself. Something I could identify with. I mean who am I really? I'm Kyla's mom and Kevin's girlfriend, my parent's daughter, my sister's sister, but who am I really? Uggh, girlfriend. I hate that word. It's like an insult every time I hear it. He's single. His site says "single but attatched" what is that? I mean, we live together (over 2 years now) and we have a baby and we share a life and an income and a bed and EVERYTHING two people can. But I'm just his girlfriend and apparently we're single but attatched. I mean, I would never say I was single not even with some qualifying phrase following. I wanted to marry him, no one knows that. But I asked him to. Come to the courthouse and make me an insider in this family, I want to be part of the Rolf family. There they are the two of them (Kevin and Kyla) they share a name and DNA and a bond and I'm just the chick that cleans the house, does the laundry and watches the Rolf kid. Maybe he likes it, this idea that he's single. Maybe he likes that he's F-ing the "help." Maybe he gets off on this whole idea. He says he wants to marry me but the option is right there and there's always an excuse. I can't help but think that this is permanent. They're the Rolf family and I'm still me. Not really part of their family and no longer really a part of the family I was born into. Where do I belong? How do I fit in? So here I am in a full blown identity crisis. Trying to figure out what I believe in, what am I passionate about? Hobbies? Who has time for hobbies, or friends or anything but mundane daily chores. I mean where do I fit in between dishes and laundry and cleaning and grocery shopping and childcare and keeping up with family (or trying to) and going to school and night and making sure Kevin gets play time and trying to budget our money responsibly and trying to spend time with my "single but attatched" man and every other little daily thing that I need to do. I'm drowning here and no one even notices. And Kevin, he checked out awhile ago when things started to get bad at work, or when they started to get stressful here at home (can't figure out what the trigger was) but I feel so disconnected from him. I want to throw a brick through the damned TV! But I just keep quite and do what needs to be done and no one (not even me) thinks about what I need. I need some air. I need some time. I need some attention and human contact and friends. I need someone to talk to. I used to be popular and now I'm just this fat lonely blob who never has any fun. I mean, girlfrieds, what are those? Does my mom count cause she's the only one who calls. I thought my whole life that I wanted to be a wife and a stay-at-home mom, I thought this was my calling. Why am I so miserable?

Current Location: home - where else?
Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: John Mayer - Gravity